STANFORD, Calif. - Matt Anderson has experienced one aspect of the mental-health struggle many Stanford student-athletes face: The fear of failure.
His acknowledgment may be the key to changing his fortunes.
Nearing his final NCAA Championships, beginning Wednesday in Austin, Texas, the swimmer is at a familiar crossroads.
"It's either time to rise to the occasion or fall into the mist," he said. "I'm still walking that line. It's definitely a terrible place to be."
The senior human biology major realizes that perspective can go a long way. Last year was a prime example: High goals, untold pressure on himself, and a failure to reach those standards nearly paralyzed him.
Though Anderson earned his fifth and sixth medley relay All-America honors, Anderson was discouraged with 20th in the 100-yard breaststroke. Scoring (top 16) or breaking the school record (51.75; Anderson's best is 52.16) are his ultimate goals.
.@Matt_Janderson is the Pac-12 Scholar-Athlete of the Year! A 6-time All-American & 11-time top-10 finisher at Pac-12's, Matt has been a heavy advocate for student-athlete mental health during his 4 seasons on The Farm.
— Stanford Men's Swimming and Diving (@stanfordmswim) March 6, 2019
??: https://t.co/2pPHgJ8Qjw#GoStanford pic.twitter.com/pFXxOXVfzE
"You put so much emphasis on something that if you try your best all the time and things don't work out, you take that really personally and hard," he said. "At a certain point, trying your best and failing again just sucks."
Anderson returned from the disappointment dreading the pool. He "was scared to compete and scared to get back in the water," he said. "And scared to test myself for fear of what was going to happen. I'd rather accept defeat than find out I wasn't good enough.
"Of course, this whole time I'm doing fine. I placed 20th in the country. That's nothing to be ashamed about. But it's the way you frame things. Getting myself caught up in some mental loops was really my downfall."
Anderson wants others to understand they are not alone. As co-chair for Cardinal RHED, a student-athlete mental-health advocacy group, and vice president of the Stanford Student-Athlete Advisory Committee, Anderson lives his favorite Twitter hashtag: #MentalHealthMatters.
Student-athletes face unique mental health issues. They arrive as the best and quickly discover they are not. Self-worth often is tied to performance. If they falter or are injured, self-esteem can plunge.
Opening up about insecurities doesn't happen often enough, Anderson said.
"At an institution like this, people just want to bury their heads all the time," Anderson said. "And it works. That's the scary thing, it works most of the time.
"Everyone here is wicked talented, there's not much they can't overcome. Everything they've ever done in life, you just work harder and you get over it. That's great until you hit something that is bigger than you. That's when it takes a community."
Cardinal RHED can be a first contact, and Anderson hopes the athletic department and teams create as many opportunities for mental-health recovery as physical health.
Hearing from others helps. One annual forum is GameFACES, public first-person stories of resilience. Anderson helped rower Hannah Levy spearhead the idea two years ago and the number of student-athletes who want to speak continues to increase.
"There's an implicit power in being able to see what sharing your story can do for someone else, in terms of catharsis, power and strength, and relief and support," Anderson said. "I want my story to be heard: I want to get over, get past, or throw down whatever demons are holding me back.
"It's something we all can relate to. At the end of the day, that connection is something we probably all want."
As Anderson prepared for his final NCAA meet, he felt confident in a new approach.
"I just had to be real," he said. "I was so caught up in what my teammates or coaches might think. But, looking at it the other way, I wouldn't think anything less of them. So why would everyone be upset and down with me?
"It doesn't really matter what my time is or how I place. That was a big step for me. Once I relieved some of that pressure, everything else fell in line. All of a sudden, I could focus to the level I wanted to."
Unlike past NCAA championships, Anderson is determined to enjoy this one, to savor his teammates' swims. To relax a little more.
Will the results follow? Maybe. But Anderson is fine with it … either way.